The Parcel Partner Directive
by MiMiChoo
Summary: Raj gathers his friends Howard, Bernadette, Leonard, Penny, Sheldon and Amy in order for them to meet someone new. Who is this person? An acquaintance? A co-worker? Friend? Will this person be accepted or rejected when it comes to the Nerd Circle?
1. Chapter 1

The Parcel Partner Directive

Chapter One

"I don't know why he wanted us to assemble here, Sheldon," Howard says. "The only thing he said was that he wants us to meet someone."

"Someone? Well, that's rather vague." Sheldon's brow furrows. "Perhaps it will be Kip Thorne the theoretical physicist known for his contributions in gravitational physics and astrophysics?"

"I don't know, Sheldon," Howard remarks.

"Perhaps it will be Freeman Dyson, theoretical physicist and mathematician known for his work in quantum electrodynamics, solid-state physics, astronomy and nuclear engineering?"

"I don't know, Sheldon," Howard says again.

"Or perhaps it will be Gregory Benford, science fiction author and astrophysicist who is on the faculty of the Department of Physics and Astronomy at the University of California, Irvine."

"We don't know, Sheldon!" Howard, Bernadette, Leonard, Penny and Amy shout in unison.

Sheldon begins to pace about the living room. "Oh, what a dilemma. What a terrible dilemma." He looks at his group of friends. "What is wrong with you people? Can't you see that I am in a state of turmoil? When will we find out the identity of this mystery person?" His voice is shrill, shaky.

"Sheldon, we'll find out when we find out," Leonard answers.

"In what universe is that an estimation of time, Leonard? In what universe?"

"Calm down, Sheldon," Amy says in an even, cool voice. "We will find out when Rajesh and his guest arrive."

Sighing and shaking his head, Sheldon makes a sour face. "Utterly hopeless." He begins to pace once more then spins back. "Perhaps he is bringing a female? Perhaps we will meet Janine Connes, the French astronomer whose research led to the establishment of the Fourier transform infrared spectroscopy method?"

"Get real, Sheldon," Bernadette growls. "What makes you think Raj would bring Janine Connes here?"

Sheldon shrugs. "Perhaps she is Raj's next sexual conquest."

"Sheldon! Janine Connes is like eighty-two-years-old," Leonard informs.

"So what's your point?" Sheldon is oblivious to the obvious.

"Jealous, Sheldon?" Penny smiles.

"Sarcasm, Penny?"

Penny raises her glass of red wine. "Touche'."

Looking at Leonard, Sheldon says, "Why'd she do that?"

A collective sigh waves through the circle.

Amy leans toward Bernadette. "Don't you just love his whacky sense of humor? He's so adorable."

Hands in her lap, Bernadette sits straighter. "Yeah, adorable."

Howard smirks and laughs.

Sheldon paces again.

Then, the anticipated knock on the door.

Leonard stands up but his roommate screeches.

"No, wait!"

Everyone turns their heads to stare at the neurotic man.

Sheldon smooths his hair down and tugs at the hem of his blue Superman tee-shirt, straightening imaginary wrinkles.

"What are you doing?" Penny asks, taking a big gulp of her wine.

"This person is a mystery to us. I don't want it to be a mystery to him, or her, as to why Raj would be our friend." He looks at his cuticles. "There will be no doubt about myself but perhaps it will be less obvious when the visitor lays eyes upon the remainder of the population in this room." Sheldon hurries to the door.

Leonard, Penny, Howard, Bernadette and Amy look to one another, speechless after Sheldon's insinuation.

As the door swings open, Sheldon's face drops; a frown rounds the corners of his mouth, lines crease his forehead.

"Hello, Sheldon," Raj says in greeting, a wide smile on his face.

"She's not Janine Connes," Sheldon states. "Where is Janine Connes the French astronomer whose research led to the establishment of the Fourier transform infrared spectroscopy method?" He looks around Raj, over his head and around the young woman Raj is with as well.

"Why would Janine Connes be with me, Sheldon?" Raj asks, annoyed.

"I don't know what you do with your free time and I don't know this person," Sheldon says. "I have enough people in my life," he tells the young woman, "Thank you for your time, Miss." Without another word, Sheldon closes the door.

Leonard jumps up from the couch. "Sheldon, how can you be so rude? Why didn't you let them in? Geez."

Sheldon shrugs. "How is telling the truth, that I don't need more people in my life, being rude? I've had enough of you people. Sometimes I think I've had too much of you people."

"You are ridiculous, Sheldon." Howard rolls his eyes.

Leonard opens the door to find his good friend Raj and a beautiful young woman. Her pecan-colored eyes and long wavy brown hair radiate comforting warmth. Her dark golden tan adds another layer of mesmerizing allure. Simply, she is breathtaking.

Leonard stands in awe.

"Hello, Leonard," Raj says in greeting, a smile still on his face. "I would like you to meet Mika Koothrappali."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

"Koothrappali?" Leonard repeats. "Why didn't you tell us you had a relative in town?" He can't seem to stop smiling. "She's so attractive. She looks nothing like you. Umm, I mean …"

"May we come in, Leonard?" Raj requests.

"Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, come in." Leonard opens the door wider, allowing entrance. He turns to the group. "Everyone, this is a relative of Raj's, Mika Koothrappali."

Howard stands up, his tongue hanging from his mouth, his eyes wide. "Well, hello there, Mika. Might I say, you are exquisite." He reaches for her hand but Raj slaps it away.

Mika looks at Raj, a questioning look on her face.

Bernadette grabs the back of her husband's shirt, forcing him back onto the couch once again. Penny scowls at Leonard.

"Rajesh, where have you been hiding this lovely sister of yours? I don't believe I've heard you speak of her before," Amy says.

Raj takes a deep breath and puts his arm around Mika's shoulder. "Mika is not my sister, Amy."

"Cousin?" Penny asks.

"No."

"Niece?" Bernadette asks.

"No."

"Then who is she, man? Spill." Howard says, antsy.

"Dude," Raj narrows his eyes at Howard. "Everyone, Howard, Bernadette, Leonard, Penny, Sheldon and Amy," Raj nods at each person in turn, "this is my bride." He turns to Mika. "And this is everyone."

Mika blinks and smiles sweetly.

"Bride?" The group begins to murmur and chatter.

"Wait, where did you two meet each other?" Bernadette asks.

"How long have you known her?" Amy asks.

"Where did she get those shoes?" Penny asks. "I love them."

"Raj, does Mika speak English?" Leonard asks.

"Yes, she does, not well but I plan to teach her more," Raj explains. "Speak, Mika."

"Raj, she's not a canine. You can't command her like that," Bernadette says angrily.

"Rajesh is a perfect gentleman," Mika says, her English heavily accented and halting.

"Wait," Sheldon says. "That is not an Indian accent."

"No, it is not, Sheldon," Raj agrees.

"She's not Indian, is she?" Howard surmises.

"No, no, not Indian," Sheldon studies Mika's face. "My hypothesis is Mika is a Russian-born citizen."

"That is correct, Sheldon," Raj nods.

Sheldon grins as he looks around the group. "So, what do I receive for knowing the right answer?"

"Respect, Sheldon. You get our respect," Howard answers with a frown.

"Oh, cool," Sheldon beams. "It's about time I get some respect from you people, since I am your superior."

"So where did you two meet each other?" Bernadette repeats, ignoring Sheldon.

"Well, that is an interesting story," Raj begins.

"Tell us," Penny prompts as she pours herself more wine.

"Yes, do tell," Howard pleads.

"A few months ago I was on the bus and …"

"Were you wearing your bus pants?" Sheldon interrupts.

"No, Sheldon. I don't have bus pants."

"Oh, you should really have bus pants. Having bus pants cuts down on germs quite remarkably. They have certainly saved me on many occasions."

"Sheldon, shut up. Can't you let Raj talk?" Leonard asks.

"Pardon me for wanting to bestow my knowledge of sanitary practices upon others." He raises his hands in submission.

"Anyway," Raj continues, "I was on the bus and someone had left this catalogue on an empty seat. Being of a curious mind, I started to thumb through it."

"You picked up a catalogue that someone discarded on a bus?" Sheldon yells; flabbergasted. "Raj, how could you? I can feel the germs crawling on me now. Excuse me." He runs from the room, heading toward the bathroom.

Raj sighs. "I found Mika in that catalogue and after much correspondence I sent for her." He smiles at his new wife.

"Now let me get this straight," Howard says as he scoots toward the edge of his couch cushion. "Am I correct in thinking this was a Russian Mail-Order Bride catalogue?"

"Howard, that's not a real thing. Maybe back in the 1800's or something but not today," Penny laughs.

"That's not true, Penny. Mail-order brides may not be as popular as they once were but the practice is still thriving," Amy attempts to educate.

"Where is this catalogue? Can I see it?" Howard asks.

"Howie!" Bernadette pinches Howard's side.

"Ouch! I mean, where was that catalogue when I was single?"

Bernadette pinches her husband again.

"Ou-ouch! I mean, I love you, honey."

Raj shakes his head. "Mika arrived from Russia this morning. We married at the courthouse and then came here. I wanted her to meet all of you."

"It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance." Mika bows slightly at the waist.

"I don't understand, Raj. A while back your parents wanted to arrange a marriage for you and that made you really unhappy." Leonard reminds his friend. "How is a mail-order bride different?"

Raj contemplates the question for a moment. "An arranged marriage would be to someone my parents select for me. Mail-order is with someone I select for myself."

"And you're okay with this, Mika?" Amy asks concern evident in her question.

"I needed marriage for myself because I am almost twenty-five-years-of-age. My babushka, that is to say my grandmother, nyet. She cries when I come to America." Mika looks dispirited while answering.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

"Don't be sad," Sheldon says as he returns from the bathroom. "My Meemaw was sad when I moved here to Pasadena from East Texas but after a while she realized I was happy in furthering my career. Your babushka will eventually understand." He moves over to the couch, sitting in his spot.

Everyone stares at Sheldon in shock.

"Sheldon, that is very enlightening of you," Leonard remarks.

"And compassionate," Bernadette adds.

"I am so proud of you, Sheldon," Amy smiles.

"I am a terrible host," Sheldon jumps up. "When a guest is upset I should offer a hot beverage. Would you like a hot beverage, Mika?"

Mika looks at Raj.

"Something to drink," he explains, mimicking the action of holding a glass to his lips and throwing his head back. "Glug, glug, glug."

Mika smiles. "Oh, vodka?"

Penny looks up at mention of the word. "We're going to be good friends, Mika; good, good friends."

Amy develops a deep frown as she looks from Penny to the newcomer.

"I have some vodka over at my apartment. Why don't we move this party over there?" Penny suggests.

"This is a party? I wasn't aware we were having a party." Sheldon looks around, confused.

"If we drink enough it will be." Penny rises from her seat, wine glass still in hand. "Anyone want to join in?"

"We'll go but you know I can't drink," Bernadette pats her belly.

Sheldon shrugs. "I might as well. My daily routine is already shot. But, like my father used to say, we'll have more fun than a tornado in a trailer park." He heads for the door.

Penny shakes her head and everyone spills out into the hallway and into her apartment. She quickly finds two unopened bottles of vodka and other alcohol as well.

"So, Mika," Bernadette smiles, "I bet you're happy to be in a warmer climate like California. I hear winters in Russia can be brutal."

Mika nods her head. "Yes, winter can be cold." She hugs herself in a mock tremble.

"Now you won't have to wear those big ugly furry hats," Penny laughs. "They look like a bunch of squirrels died on your head. What Russian thought that would be a trendy fashion statement?"

"Penny!" Leonard scolds as he takes her glass.

"Ahh, ushankas? We do not all wear them." Mika's words are clear but stilted. "We do not all have pet bears. We are not all communists."

Amy moves around Penny and pours herself a glass of wine. "And all Russians aren't in the mob either. So if someone didn't like you, Mika, you wouldn't have them killed, would you?" She scowls, fearing her bestie is becoming too chummy with Raj's love interest.

"No, no killing." Mika's expression doesn't change; oblivious to Amy's unease.

"But all Russian women are as lovely as you are, are they not?" Please tell me they are."

Mika turns to Raj. "I do not know how to answer."

"Shut up, Howard," Bernadette says.

"Shut up, Howard," Mika repeats.

Everyone but Howard laughs.

Taking her glass back from Leonard, Penny raises it and smiles. "You're going to fit in well around here. To Mika."

Everyone else raises their glasses as well. "To Mika."

Raj smiles; happy that his friends have seemingly accepted his new wife.

"As social convention dictates, tell us a bit about yourself, Mika." Sheldon stands in the corner looking uncomfortable.

"My name is Mika Kirovna Patrusheva."

"Koothrappali," Raj reminds her. "Koothrappali."

Mika smiles. "Yes, Koothrappali. My father is Kir. My mother is Anastasia. My brother is Vlad. I told of my babushka."

"What did you do in Russia?" Bernadette asks. "Did you have a job there?"

"I was nanny in Russia," Mika announces; proud.

"Oh, Bernie is pregnant with our first child. You could be our live-in nanny," Howard beams.

"She will live with me, Howard. She is my wife." Raj grabs Mika's hand; protective.

Bernadette frowns at her husband.

"It must be rough leaving your entire family and the children you used to care for," Leonard points out.

"Yes," Mika looks at the floor. "The Mikhailov family. Nikolay is seven. Mariya is six. Yulia is four." She puts a hand to her chest. "My life."

"You have a new life now," Raj squeezes her hand. "You can be happy in America with me … right?" He hesitates before saying the last word.

"Yes, Rajesh. I will. I am." Mika's words sound unconvincing.

"What other interests do you pursue?" Sheldon asks, his tone conveying boredom.

Mika's eyes twinkle and she seems to perk up just a bit. "I like cooking. I cook borscht."

"Raj loves to cook too," Howard says.

"I like needlepoint," Mika smiles.

"How weird, so does Raj." Howard smirks.

"I collect dolls."

"What a coincidence, so does Raj!" Howard laughs his voice cracking.

"Howard, I do not," Raj shakes his head.

"I play violin. I like pets, dogs most."

"Oh, I can't wait for you to meet Cinnamon." Raj is excited.

"Cinnamon?" Mika asks.

"The other woman in his life," Howard explains.

Everyone laughs.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four - The Partner Parcel Directive

Bernadette pulls Howard to the side, away from the rest of the group. "Why are you being such an ass?"

"What do you mean? I'm not being an ass." Howard looks over Bernadette's shoulder, watching the others laughing and chit-chatting.

"Yes you are. You're ogling Mika and making snide remarks about Raj's masculinity. Why can't you be happy for them? Why can't you respect me enough to bite your tongue when you see an attractive woman plus I thought you had more respect for Raj as your best friend."

Howard stops smiling. "You're right. You're right. I've always teased Raj about stuff, that's just our relationship." He stops watching the group and stares into his wife's eyes. "This is going to take some getting used to."

"You and Raj still hung out when we got married. You'll still hang out now that he's gotten married."

"You think?" Sadness reaches Howard's eyes.

"I know so but only if you stop acting like an ass."

"But …"

"And stop acting like a butt too." Bernadette shakes her finger in Howard's face and rejoins her friends.

Howard slinks behind her, walking toward Raj. "Sorry, buddy."

Raj shrugs. "You were just being yourself. Don't worry about it."

"So you forgive me?"

"Of course, buddy." The pair hugs, patting each others backs.

"Howard," Bernadette says sternly.

"I apologize, Mika. I was out of line."

Mika looks to Raj and back to Howard. "I marry Raj, devotion is to him."

"See Howard," Raj smiles. "No worries."

Howard nods his head and moves to sit on Penny's couch.

Amy turns to Bernadette. "That was very nice of you and it was also nice what Mika said," she whispers. "I wonder if she'll be that loyal where others are concerned."

"What do you mean?"

"Look at her, standing there with Penny, looking all beautiful. They've been talking about shoes and shopping and shopping for shoes. Mika says most Russian women strive to be well-dressed at all times."

"And?" Bernadette is confused.

"It's like Penny has found her female soulmate."

"Amy, you're talking about Mika being loyal. Well, what about Penny? She's been loyal to you and me both, hasn't she?"

"Well, yes."

"Penny has enough love in her heart to be loyal to Leonard, us, Sheldon, Raj, Mika and even Howard too. I think it's wonderful that Raj has found someone. Don't be jealous of her."

"I'm not jealous." Amy straightens her shoulders.

"Just look at it this way, maybe she can give us girls some fashion tips and also help us understand our whacky guys, you know, give us a different perspective."

"I suppose."

"When you met Sheldon, did everyone make you feel welcome?"

"Of course."

"Shouldn't we extend the same courtesy to Mika?"

"You're right. I'm being childish. Thank you, Bernadette."

"You're welcome."

They turn back toward the gathering.

"You make your own homemade cosmetics too?" Penny puts her glass down. "Get out!"

Mika puts her glass down as well, bows her head and walks slowly toward the door.

"Mika, no!" Raj runs after her. "It's just an expression. She doesn't really mean for you to go."

The Russian beauty turns around, looking from face to face.

Sheldon shrugs, a weird grin on his face. "I had to get used to Penny's backwoods expressions as well. Don't worry; she'll grow on you after a while; in five or ten years." He laughs. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to use the facilities." He walks out Penny's door, closing it gently.

"Mika, listen, I didn't mean to confuse you. Sometimes I tend to do that to people." Penny places her hand on Mika's shoulder. "We all need to have a girl's night. We can go out to dinner, have drinks, shop, and talk fashion …"

"That's good and all but I want to spend time with her too." Raj pouts, sticking out his lower lip."

"You can come along, Raj. You've attended girl's night before," Amy suggests.

"Noooo, I want to do, you know, married things with her."

"Are you two going on a honeymoon?" Howard asks.

"Howie," Bernadette tenses.

"I don't want to know about it. I'm just asking about their plans," Howard replies.

"We probably will at a later date. Perhaps to India so she can meet my family. For now, she is meeting you all and Cinnamon."

"Well, this may be inappropriate to say right now but I'm glad things didn't work out with Emily or Claire just like I'm glad things didn't work out with all my past boyfriends. You wouldn't have met Mika and I wouldn't have ended up with Leonard." Penny smiles.

"Thank you, Penny, I think." Leonard's brow wrinkles.

"C'mon, Mika. Let's go home. I bought Cinnamon a new outfit just for this special occasion." Raj waves his hands in excitement.

Mika turns to Penny. "Expression?"

Penny shakes her head. "Unfortunately, no."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

"And this is my apartment." Raj waves his hand around the tiny space. "It suits me fine but now that we are a couple we should think of upgrading." He walks to the refrigerator, extracts two bottles of water and hands one to Mika.

A small scratching sound comes from behind the bedroom door.

"Oh, that's my baby." Raj claps his hands. "I hope you two hit it off." He opens the door and watches his little Yorkshire terrier Cinnamon, clad in a pink-and-white polka dot sweater and enormous yellow bow prance from the room.

"Cinnamon?" Mika asks as she watches the dog sniff her shoes.

"Yes, Cinnamon, this is Mika. Mika, this is Cinnamon."

Cinnamon looks up at Raj and then to Mika with big, brown puppy dog eyes.

Mika bends to pick the dog up. Cinnamon squirms, growls and barks. Mika quickly places her back on the floor.

"Oh my goodness!" Raj is horrified. "I am so sorry. She has never done anything like that before; to anyone." He turns to Cinnamon. "That is a no-no little girl. A definite big no-no. You will be going to bed this evening with no television. Do you understand?"

Cinnamon lies on the floor, covering her eyes with her paws.

"Television?"

"Yes, Cinnamon loves television. Wipeout is her favorite program but she also likes Downton Abbey and Sons of Anarchy. She got extremely depressed when they took American Idol off the air."

"How did you know?" Mika asks.

Raj shrugs. "That's what her therapist said."

"Does she not like me?" Mika looks concerned.

Scooping Cinnamon up, Raj cuddles her. The dog licks his face and Raj giggles.

Mika smiles.

Then Raj holds Cinnamon in the air, toward Mika.

Cinnamon growls.

"Looks like this will be a topic to discuss at her next therapy session," Raj frowns and sends Cinnamon back to the bedroom.

"I am sorry, Rajesh." Mika sits on the couch and hangs her head.

"No, no, you have nothing to apologize for, Mika. I am the one who needs to apologize. I thought this would be all honky donkey; like a fairy tale. Sadly, for you it is not."

Mika begins to cry.

"No, no, no, please don't cry." Raj hands his bride a few tissues from the box on the table. "How can I make this better for you?"

Mika gasps and hiccups, waving a hand. "I will become a better wife, okay?"

Raj runs from the room, sniffing.

"Okay, reinforcements are here!" Penny hollers. "Mika, brace yourself for the best bachelorette party you'll ever have!"

"I hope it will be the only one she ever has." Bernadette twirls a lock of her long blonde hair.

"We can get wild and crazy when we go out on the town," Amy says as she pushes her glasses up on her nose.

Mika peers at Raj. "I don't understand."

"I called the girls. I know they know how to have fun. They can take your mind off your troubles."

"I thought tonight we would, umm …" Mika shifts her weight from one foot to the other.

"Coitus, the word is coitus, Mika." Penny giggles as she adjusts the spaghetti straps on her red sequined cocktail dress.

Mika blushes and glances at Raj again.

"We'll be together forever. We can wait a few more hours." Raj smiles, weakly.

Mika nods her head at Penny, Amy and Bernadette. "If Rajesh approves, I will go."

"Go, go," Raj says, scooting the girls out the door.

Meanwhile back in Sheldon and Leonard's apartment:

"What I don't understand is how she got here," Sheldon says. "If Raj ordered Mika from a catalogue did she arrive via FedEx in a big box or did the mailman deliver her?"

"Yes, Sheldon, she had postage stamps on her forehead and the mailman dropped her off on Raj's doorstep." Howard snorts.

"No, I don't think that would be correct. I'm sure she would have to come by certified mail. Raj would have had to sign for her." Sheldon cocks his head, obviously thinking.

"Sheldon, can't you see Howard is yanking your chain?" Leonard sighs, exasperated.

"Oh, but what if Raj wasn't home and a neighbor had to sign for her? Would the neighbor be allowed to keep her? Would Raj receive a refund if his mail-order bride got lost in the mail?" Sheldon shakes his head.

"How can you be so smart yet so stupid?" Howard asks.

"I ask the questions that inquisitive minds want to know, Howard. One asks questions to advance one's intelligence. Perhaps one day you will do the same."

Leonard runs his hands through his hair and sighs. "So what should we do this evening? Video games? Board games? Maybe we should throw Raj a bachelor party since the girls are throwing a bachelorette party for Mika?"

"They're doing that because Mika is sad, Leonard. Raj isn't sad," Sheldon points out.

"Oh, we could invite Stuart and Wil Wheaton. We could …"

"I think we should take a vote," Sheldon suggests.

"Why?" Leonard and Howard retort in unison.

"Because some of us may have better things to do," Sheldon smirks.

"Like what?" Leonard asks.

Sheldon mumbles as he looks toward the wall.

"Say again?" Howard prompts.

"Play with my trains. Are you happy?"

"I say we vote," Howard tells Leonard. "Those for a bachelor party raise your hand."

Leonard and Howard both raise a hand into the air.

"There, it's settled," Leonard smiles.

"No it's not," Sheldon protests. "I didn't get to vote."

Leonard sighs. "Okay, those against?"

Sheldon raises his hand.

"Okay, I'll get on the phone and start inviting some guys." Howard removes his cell phone from his pants pocket.

"No, you can't," Sheldon says.

"And why can't he?" Leonard's tone is full of frustration.

"Because the vote was a tie."

"In what universe was the vote a tie?" Howard asks.

"Every fiber of my being tells me that Raj's vote, if he were here, would be a resounding, 'negatory, sir'," Sheldon informs.

"That's not a tie. He's not here so he can't vote." Howard begins to dial Raj's number. "Dumbass."

"I heard that." Sheldon makes a face.

"Good," Howard says loudly.

"I'm going across the hall to get my jacket while you two bicker." Leonard turns the knob on the door, swings it open and runs smack into two men wearing dark suits and skinny red ties.

"Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't think anyone would be standing here," he takes a step back. "Can I help you gentlemen?"

"Hey, Raj!" Howard says into his cell phone. "You up for a bachelor party?"

One of the men at the door, slightly taller than the other, clears his throat. "We are here looking for information on Mika Kirovna Patrusheva."

Sheldon walks up behind Leonard and stares at the men. "Information on Mika? Well, she is married to Raj, likes to cook, likes vodka, has adorable shoes and bested Howard by telling him to shut up."

"I don't think that's the kind of information they mean, Sheldon," Leonard says.

"No, Dr. Hofstadter, that isn't the type of information we mean."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

Penny, Bernadette, Amy and Mika walk into The Sapphire Club, smiling as the booming, thump, thump, thump of music hits their ears. Dazzling lights flicker and swirl across the floor, ceiling and walls.

"There's a table over there," Penny shouts and points toward the corner.

"What?" Amy shouts back.

"She said there's a table over there," Bernadette says.

"What?" Amy repeats.

Mika begins to walk toward the empty table, her new friends following closely behind. Every man in the club turns his head, eyes on the Russian beauty. They barely glance at the others before they return their lusts to Mika.

"Look at all the attention we're getting." Amy flips her brown hair over her shoulder and fiddles with a drink coaster on the table.

"What?" Bernadette hollers.

Penny looks around the room, realizing she is not the center of the party, as she usually is on Girl's Night Out. "There's something wrong with this picture."

"What?" Amy yells.

Penny repeats her statement, loudly, as the deejay's song ends. A large group turns to look at her.

"Whatever is the matter, Penny?" Mika smooths her long dark hair and sits straighter on her barstool, chest protruding.

"I just don't have a good feeling here. Maybe we should go somewhere else." Penny narrows her eyelids to mere slits, looking at men of all ages, shapes and sizes suspiciously.

"Have you been talking to your psychic again? You know Leonard doesn't like that," Bernadette points out.

"No, no, it's not that," Penny says.

"If I may make an observation here," Amy interjects, "according to the ratio of men to women in this establishment I can deduce that nine-five percent of the men, figuring in the factor that they are regulars, and ten percent of the women, also considering habitual behaviors, find our newcomer, as to say Mika, to be highly attractive."

"Ten percent of the women?" Bernadette asks.

"Give or take," Amy says, nodding her head.

"Does all this make you uncomfortable, Mika?" Penny asks. "After all, you are married now."

Mika seems to study Penny's face. "And you are married to Leonard." Her voice emits a challenge.

"Oh, burn," Amy grins.

"Hey, I can attract any man in here. I don't care about your ratios or deducements or habitualnesses or whatever it was you just said." Penny looks around the room again.

"And what about the women?" Amy asks. "I know a woman or two who would jump at the chance to be with someone as lovely as you."

"Amy, please, calm down. Men. We're talking about men here," Penny scolds.

Amy picks a pretzel from a bowl on the table and twists it in her fingers. "She is quite lovely, is she not?" she says to Mika.

Mika's expression, one of disbelief, is comical.

"Okay, let's pick out a man for you to flirt with. Someone stuffy, studious. Someone who may just be here to drink his troubles away and isn't interested in a hook-up." Bernadette begins to scan the crowd.

"Now, Leonard can never know about this." Penny is stern; tough. "He'd never understand. Bernadette, you can't tell Howard. Amy, you can't tell Sheldon and Mika, you can't tell Raj."

Bernadette and Amy agree.

"Secret?" Mika asks.

"Yes, a secret, just between us girls."

Penny raises the pinky finger on her right hand. Bernadette and Amy lock on with their pinky fingers as well. Although she looks confused, Mika joins in.

"There, how about him?" Bernadette asks. "Distinguished but stoic. Looks a little tired, like he's been working hard at the office all day. He could be a challenge."

"I don't see how it could be a challenge for anyone to fall in love with Penny," Amy says.

"Not fall in love, Amy. I just want him to be interested," Penny counteracts.

"Yeah, don't turn on the charm too much," Bernadette giggles.

Mika sits in silence, watching the girls' plan unfold.

Penny slips from her barstool and glides across the crowded room toward a slightly older man, greying at the temples, wearing a black suit and a skinny red tie.

"Umm, please, come in." Leonard steps aside, inviting the men in suits into the apartment. "Is Mika in some kind of trouble?"

The men sit on the couch, the taller one choosing Sheldon's spot.

"You can't sit there, that's my spot." Sheldon pouts.

"Hey, buddy, let me call you back." Howard quickly terminates his call with Raj and moves to the side of the couch.

"Sheldon, please. Don't worry about your spot," Leonard says.

"But that's my spot," Sheldon whispers.

"My name is Ash Donovan and I'm with the Federal Bureau of Investigations," the shorter man shows his badge. "And this is my partner Blythe Maxwell." Detective Maxwell produces his badge.

"FBI?" Howard says, leaving his mouth open.

"Very good, Howard. FBI does stand for Federal Bureau of Investigations. Perhaps there is hope for you yet." Sheldon smiles.

Detective Donovan scribbles in a small notebook.

"What are you writing there? I thought this was about Mika?" Howard looks angry. "Umm, uhhh, sir." He looks at Leonard.

Leonard shrugs.

"Mr. Wolowitz, let's please be careful here," Detective Maxwell warns. "We know you have Russian connections."

"Excuse me?" Howard sits in a chair next to the couch, trying to make sense of the unfolding events.

"You are friends with Russian cosmonaut Dimitri Rezinov, correct?" Detective Maxwell asks.

"I wouldn't say friends exactly but we were crew members of Expedition 31 to the International Space Station alongside Mike 'Mass' Massimino." Howard puffs up, still proud of his astronaut status.

"I'm sorry to interrupt," Leonard apologizes, "but what does Howard going into space have to do with Mika?"

"You're starting to look upset, Howard. Would you like a hot beverage?"

"No, Sheldon, I don't need a hot beverage. Can't you see that adults are talking here? Give it a rest." Howard tries to wave Sheldon away.

"Mr. Wolowitz is correct, Dr. Cooper. This is a serious matter," Detective Donovan explains.

"Solid matter? Liquid matter? Gases, plasma?" Sheldon walks to his white board.

"Sheldon!" Leonard and Howard yell.

"Bose-Einstein condensates?" Sheldon adds, lowering his voice.

"Sheldon, I swear, I am going to …" Howard snarls, clinching his fists.

"Gentlemen, please." Detective Maxwell elevates his own voice. "Let's just cut to the chase here. We have reason to believe that you and your friends are in grave danger."

"Good Lord." Sheldon faints into a heap on the floor.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

Amy looks at Mika. "You do realize that Penny would never, ever cheat on Leonard, don't you?"

Mika remains silent.

"Don't take this the wrong way because I know Penny really likes you, Mika, but I think she also feels a little threatened as well. Finding someone to flirt with tonight is just a game to her, nothing more."

"You have strange customs here in America," Mika states, her heavy accent barely audible over the screaming music.

"No, no, it's not like that …" Bernadette tries to explain.

"Wow, look at her go," Amy interrupts.

Bernadette turns to see her friend.

Penny flips her hair over one shoulder and bats her eyelids. "Haskell Morgan? Oh, I love that name." She runs a finger over the man's arm. "I bet you're a newspaper reporter, aren't you?" She sticks the tip of her tongue between her lips, thinking. "Your name just makes me think of some sort of investigative reporter. Am I right?"

Haskell Morgan seems distracted, not looking directly at his admirer but toward another table; at another beautiful girl.

"I really like your red tie, Haskell," Penny continues. "It brings out your umm, uhh, eyes?" Penny's face squinches as her own lameness.

"Mmm hmm," Haskell nods, oblivious to Penny's mannerisms and demeanor.

"Do you like my dress?" Penny runs her hands over her hips during the question. "I bought it just for tonight." She stares at the older man when there is no response. "I think I'll wear it to the hospital when I have my half-alien, half-piglet baby." She pauses, disappointment etched into her facial features. "What do you think about that?"

Haskell leans his head toward Penny and tucks his chin to his chest. "She's on the move. Repeat, subject is on the move."

"Huh?" Penny is confused. "Hey, I don't know what's going on but if you think I'm a hooker or something …" Penny throws her palms outward, shakes her head and backs up by two steps.

"Stay here," Haskell Morgan advises as he removes a concealed handgun from beneath his suitcoat. He is careful to not allow Penny or any other bar patron to see it.

Penny screams as the man rushes past her, quickly weaving through the dancing crowd.

Leonard, Howard, Sheldon, and Raj sit in a black van with darkly tinted windows staring at the backs of Detective Donovan's and Detective Maxwell's heads.

"I do not understand." Raj places his head in his hands. "How can this be? There must be some mistake." He sighs. "That's it, there is some mistake. Mistaken identity. They have the wrong person."

"No, Raj, Leonard says. "From all the evidence we were presented I believe they do have the right person."

"But I love her." Raj is overcome with emotion.

"And you loved Emily and Claire and Lucy and what was that deaf chick's name?" Howard laughs. "Just look at it this way, you still have Cinnamon."

"And us," Sheldon says.

"Thank you, Sheldon, that is very nice of you," Raj says sincerely.

"You're welcome," Sheldon shrugs.

"You know, you were last in our group to get a woman and now you'll be the first in our group to get a divorce." Howard chuckles again.

Raj begins to sob.

"Howard, don't be so insensitive. Can't you see that Raj is hurting?" Leonard glares at Howard.

"Sorry, I was just trying to lighten the mood a little."

Suddenly the van is moving and screeching around a corner.

Detective Maxwell turns in the passenger seat. "She's trying to escape out a bathroom window."

Everyone looks intently at Raj.

"What is it about me that causes women flee out of windows? Why am I such a loser?" Raj wipes his nose on his sleeve.

Bernadette turns her head back to the table. "Would you two like to order something to drink? Hey, where'd Mika go?"

Amy looks at the empty barstool next to her. "I don't know, I guess I was so busy watching Penny on the prowl that I didn't hear her leave."

Bernadette shrugs. "Maybe she just went to the ladies' room."

"Perhaps. Would you like me to go to the bar to order us some drinks?" Amy asks as she rises from her stool.

"Sure," Bernadette hands over several dollar bills. "I'd like a non-alcoholic Raspberry Mojito."

As Amy turns toward the bar, the gentleman Penny had been speaking with runs past, grazing her shoulder, knocking her to the floor. Money floats in the air.

Breathless, Penny is instantaneously next to Amy helping her to her feet.

"My God, Penny, what did you say to that make to make him run away from you like that?" Bernadette asks as she picks up Amy's glasses.

"I think he's got the hots for Mika but the guy's weird. He was talking to himself," Penny explains. "Serves me right, I guess. I shouldn't be flirting to prove to myself that I am prettier than her or anyone else. What a dumb thing to do." She frowns.

Amy smooths her hair and puts her glasses back on. "You said the guy was weird. You don't think Mika could be in any danger, do you?"

Penny waves a hand and laughs. "Oh, I'm sure he's harmless."

"Are you positive?" Bernadette looks concerned.

Mika is halfway through the open bathroom window when Detective Haskell Morgan bursts into the room and grabs her by the ankle.

"We've got you surrounded, Carlene," he yells. "There are officers by the number outside. You won't go free, trust me."

A muffled mumble fills the tiny space.

"You know this will be easier if you don't fight it," Detective Morgan growls.

Just then, the girls rush inside.

"Leave her alone!" Amy hollers as her eyes befall the scene before her.

"Mika's our friend!" Bernadette squeaks.

"Weirdo pervert!" Penny screams as she begins to pummel Morgan's back.

Turning, the man forgets the gun in his hand, for a split-second he is confused, not understanding why these girls are in attack mode. He definitely doesn't understand why they are now backing toward the wall.

"What?" He shakes his head and lowers the gun. "I need you to leave this area immediately before you're harmed; this is official business."

"Oh yeah? What official business?" Amy says bravely, then ducks behind Penny.

"FBI."

"I thought you were a newspaper writer?" Penny asks as she shoves Amy.

"Huh?"

Mika/Carlene squirms away from Detective Morgan's grasp and everyone hears a loud thump and screams from the other side of the wall.

Detective Morgan wipes his forehead. "Her name is not Mika. Her name is Carlene Belle Martinelli. She is not from Russia. She is from Vermont. She has done this sort of thing to multiple men."

"What sort of thing?" Bernadette asks.

"She pretends to be Russian or some other nationality; not to understand or speak much English. In actuality she probably speaks better English than any of us here."

"No way," Amy whispers.

"But what has she done?" Penny prompts.

A thundering crash sounds beyond the wall, heavy footfalls and then several gunshots ring out. A deep but shrill scream shatters the evening.

"Oh, God, Oh, God, Oh, God!"

"That's Sheldon's voice!" Amy cries.

"Howard?" Bernadette's eyes widen.

"Leonard?" Penny trembles.

"Stay here," Detective Morgan instructs and runs from the room.

Penny, Bernadette and Amy quickly follow.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

Out on the sidewalk in front of The Sapphire Club, chaos reigns supreme. Bar patrons are running, screaming, and crying. Red and blue lights are flashing and swirling. Sirens wail. Police try to calm the situation to no avail.

Sheldon lies on his back, wrestling with something raven black and hairy. His panicked voice is high-pitched.

"Oh, God, oh, God! Don't let it eat me! Get it off me!" His long lanky arms and legs flail in the night.

Amy, Penny and Bernadette rush to his side.

"Sssshh, Sheldon," Amy coos. "Calm down, calm down." She cradles her boyfriend's head as she scans his body for blood.

Penny snickers and holds up the hairy raven black object. "I don't think a wig is going to eat you, Sheldon. Now, where are Leonard and Howard?"

"Oh, my Howie." Bernadette places her hand to her chest as she looks around.

Sheldon turns onto his side and folds himself into a fetal position, head still in Amy's lap. "I don't know," he quivers. "Last I saw them was when the gunshots sounded. Leonard ran one way and Howard the other. I, umm, fainted."

"I hope they're okay," Amy says.

"I woke up and that thing was on me," Sheldon points.

"What about Raj?" Penny asks. "Which way did he go?"

"Are you talking about Raj Krentapushy?" a police officer behind the group asks.

Penny and Bernadette spin in his direction.

"Koothrappali, yes," Bernadette clarifies. "We're all friends of his. Do you know where he is?"

The policeman points to a building a block away. "There's a seafood place there called The Pointe. The ambulance is right beside it in the alleyway."

"Ambulance?" Everyone gasps.

Sheldon struggles to his feet, leaning heavily on Amy. "Who is hurt, sir?"

The officer shrugs. "I'm not sure exactly."

Sheldon and the girls begin running down the sidewalk.

"Everything's cordoned off," the young man yells. "They won't let you in!"

Detectives Donovan and Maxwell stand behind bright yellow caution tape detaining Mika. Blood seeps profusely from her right shoulder, her shirt torn around a ragged hole. She looks different with painfully short red hair, an evil look on her distorted face.

Raj is leaning against the ambulance doors, a paramedic shining a tiny penlight into his eyes.

Leonard and Howard stand next to The Pointe wall, far enough away from the scene so they aren't in the way but close enough to hear the goings-on.

"You've been stealing peoples' identities for years, Carlene. How can you continue to do this to people?" Detective Donovan yells as he wrenches the woman's arms behind her back and places her in handcuffs.

Mika/Carlene purses her lips but doesn't utter a word.

Sheldon and the girls peer over the caution tape, aghast.

"Stealing peoples' identities? Do people really do that sort of thing?" Sheldon asks.

A blood-curdling scream rings in everyone's ears. Mika/Carlene lunges forward, knocking Detective Maxwell to the ground. Several police officers tackle her.

"I bet if she had stolen Howard's identity she would have given it back right away." Sheldon laughs.

Amy hits him in the arm.

Detective Maxwell addresses Leonard and Howard. "Carlene stalks rich men. She changes her name and her appearance. She is a wonderful actress. We are a bit concerned about this latest attempt to bilk money though. She has never actually married one of her targeted victims."

Raj is released by the paramedic and he joins Howard and Leonard.

"What a gold digger." Howard snarls as he watches policeman load Raj's devious bride into the back of the ambulance.

"What is a gold digger?" Raj asks bewilderment and shock tinging his voice.

"A gold digger is like a hooker … only smarter," Howard answers. He looks toward the ambulance. "Did you always want to grow up to be a gold digging psycho?" he screams.

"Howard, please," Leonard tries to shush his friend.

"How has she gotten away with this, sir? Raj asks the detective. "I just, I don't … just how?"

"Any woman can fool a man if she wants to and if he's in love with her." Detective Maxwell places a hand on Raj's shoulder.

Penny, Bernadette, Amy and Sheldon have been allowed to cross the yellow caution tape.

"A man is not a financial plan," Bernadette points out.

"Well said, Bernadette," Sheldon says, "Especially since you make a butt-load more money than your husband Howard."

"Shut up, Sheldon," Howard frowns.

"Did you know that men are generally more law-abiding than women? Women have the feeling that since they didn't make the rules, the rules have nothing to do with them." Sheldon puffs up, proud to pass on this tidbit of information.

"Sheldon Cooper that is one of the most sexist things I have ever heard!" Bernadette screams, taking a step closer to him.

"Can we focus here for a moment?" Raj raises his normally quiet voice. "What about my problem? I just found out my wife was plotting to kill me for my money. Detective, why would she marry me and not the others? You said she's killed four other men?"

Detective Maxwell nods his head. "Yes. One man in Vermont, one man in South Carolina and two in New Mexico. We will be questioning her extensively, of course, believe me. We're curious as to why she's actually married you."

"Aren't we all?" Howard raises a pinky in the air, indicating his friend is a bit on the feminine side.

"If she married me she must really love me." Raj smiles.

"Don't even go there, Raj. You can't be that desperate for love," Leonard states.

"Desperate?" Raj laughs at the word. "I am not desperate; not at all."

"Rajesh, think about what you're saying. She is a murderer; a lying, thieving, conniving criminal," Amy pleads.

"I must talk to her." Raj walks toward the ambulance.

"Raj, don't do this. You don't need someone like that in your life," Penny says.

Raj ignores his friends' protests as they trail behind him. "Mika?" Raj says weakly.

She stares at him, flinching at the pain in her shoulder.

"You married me. You must love me to have done that, correct?"

Nothing.

"I love you too, Mika and to prove my love I will gladly give up all my money and possessions to be with you. Our love will be our riches." Raj is calm, collected, and serious.

Mika spits in Raj's face. "Let me tell you something. There is no nobility in poverty. I've been a very poor little girl and I've been a very rich woman. I will choose rich every damn time."

Raj's face drops as saliva drips down his cheeks. "Get her the Hell out of here."

"Well, this just proves that there are some things that money can't buy, like morals and integrity," Leonard says.

"And friendship," Penny adds.

The group moves in, surrounding Raj in a comforting hug.

"Eeewww, don't touch me," Sheldon advises. "You have killer germs all over your countenance." He turns, running after the ambulance. "Come back! Come back! I've contracted germs!"

Everyone laughs.

THE END


End file.
